
What does it mean to be an emotionally intelligent negotiator? It means your brain controls your mouth, not your-out-of-control emotions.
By Thomas Wood
Let’s magnify the various moves Bill and Jen made in their salary negotiation that my colleague explored in previous blogs Part I and Part II. They reached a deal, but was it to their mutual satisfaction? We’ll categorize the moves as Tactics, Blunders and Best Negotiating Practices (BNPs). Do you agree?
Tactic, Blunder or BNP?
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Move
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Response & Impact
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Blunder
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Bill relied on this part-time position and didn’t have a Plan B – other interviews or networking
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Bill’s failure to continue to build his BATNAs (his Plan Bs) puts him at a disadvantage
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BNP
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Bill prepares an opening offer and support
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He is ready when Jen asks
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Tactic
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Jen ignores Bill at first to make him feel unimportant
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It works mildly, but Bill’s preparation keeps him confident
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Blunder
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Jill opens the conversation without any rapport building or excitement about Bill joining the organization
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Jen misses the opportunity to build an alliance with Bill, which will make it more difficult for her to learn what matters to him. She also risks him deciding against the job.
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BNP
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Jen asks Bill what he wants
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Hearing from Bill informs Jen up front if this conversation is worth her time. But it did come with the risk that Bill would anchor Jen by opening first.
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BNP
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Bill opens with his prepared opening offer of $127K.
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Great opening offer – high, but justifiable, and therefore credible
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Blunder
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Jen says “Absolutely not” to Bill’s opening, which is the same as saying “No.”
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Saying the word “No” or a similar negative response shuts down conversation
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BNP
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Jen opens with her opening offer of $78
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Jen’s opening seems appropriate – she starts low but within a justifiable range
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BNP
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Bill asks “Why?”
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Always a great probe, when said with sincere curiosity and not as an attack. Jen is so far from Bill’s preferred salary that he can only benefit from more information.
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Blunder
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Bill doesn’t wait for Jen’s answer. He starts defending his stature.
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Jen is unfazed because Bill isn’t engaging her – he’s presenting to her. Bill is waiting too long to start asking questions – the best way to engage his counterpart.
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BNP
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Finally Bill realizes that he is not convincing Jen, and starts asking lots of engaging questions.
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You can’t probe too much!
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BNP
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Bill next asks for Jen’s advice as to what he needs to succeed in this job.
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Great open-ended question. Engaging the other side is critical. Jen’s inclination now is to help Bill, rather than to win against him.
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BNP
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Bill asks Jen to reconsider the salary given the information they have discussed about his background and fit for the position.
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Bill needs Jen to move a lot, so his open request is a good strategy. He’s giving her a way to save face if she is convinced that his salary can go higher.
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BNP
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Jen makes a huge move from $73 to $103K.
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Jen’s first move is big, but she saves face by having reconsidered the expertise required for the job and Bill’s fit for the position.
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Blunder
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Bill seems inclined to accept the offer.
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Bill could have asked more questions about the new salary range, and further built the relationship. Jen probably had more to give. But Bill lacked confidence due to his non-existent BATNA (plan B).
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Tactic
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Bill asks about getting an alternative work schedule given the lower salary than what he had anticipated.
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At least Bill asked for something to justify why he would move off his opening of $127K – the alternative work schedule. It was a “nibble,” but because he knew Jen could give it, there was little risk to the relationship in employing this tactic.
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By Thomas Wood
Mattie has almost no power in this negotiation, but she leverages something much more potent – her skill as a negotiator – her true grit.
By Marianne Eby
It's no accident that we teach a full workshop on Managing Emotions as You Negotiate. Emotions are the #1 obstacle to a mutually beneficial negotiation. And when tensions flare between co-workers, the impact can reach far beyond the current negotiation, leaving you to solve an emotional puzzle. At some point you have to manage the emotional climate to return to a productive relationship.
The first step to managing emotions is to identify them.
By Marianne Eby
We return to the tense interaction between co-workers, often referred to as internal negotiations. The situation embroiling Lex and Jess was set out last week. Lex decided to make a few concrete changes for the next meeting with Jess. Lex realized that he needed to understand better what he was feeling when Jess takes over and treats Lex as a subordinate rather than an equal team member. And Lex needed to understand more about why Jess does this.
By Thomas Wood
Sometimes just asking can save you hundreds of dollars, or hours of negotiating. And unlike Robert Pattinson, you don't have to be acting as a Quidditch team captain, a vampire, or a young billionaire to have the confidence to pull it off.
The idea made the news last week when Robert Pattinson, multimillionaire actor known for his roles in the Harry Potter series, the Twilight series and the just-released Cosmopolis film, explained the way he negotiates on Jimmy Kimmel Live:
Pattinson confirmed that he is a habitual negotiator who "buys everything on Craigslist." His most recent bargain was for a 2001 Silverado listed for around $2500. He recounted bonding with the seller over gas prices, then simply asking for $300 off the price. The seller agreed, he said and didn't really understand the concept of negotiating. "The guy's comeback was "what about $50 bucks more?"
Pattinson's "just ask" strategy was news because we don't imagine a multimillionaire celebrity haggling over $300. But it is not news for procurement professionals in big business across industries, who rely on asking for a greater discount, a changed term, extended service, faster delivery, etc. They "just keep asking," regardless of whether there is anything to justify the ask, not because they are obnoxious or uninformed, but because this tactic works. If a sharp company sales rep appropriately pushes back, an experienced procurement professional might say with light laughter, "Well, I had to ask!"
Remember that if you are "just asking" and can justify your Ask, it's strategic. But if you are "just asking" for no other reason than that it might work, you are using a tactic, which unlike strategies, are non-collaborative moves to gain short term advantage. Like any negotiating tactic, if you overuse then or use them in the wrong situations, expect to erode trust and your own credibility.
"Just asking" in the right situations, however, does in fact work most of the time. Recently, when billed $2700 for the treatment of an infected blister, of which my insurance paid only $1800, I called the private clinic's billing department. I started with a joke ("you know I didn't have heart surgery, right?") and then simply asked: "I was hoping you could help me out." They cut my bill in half.
An easy, efficient way to practice "just asking" is when you are shopping. A client told me that they had gotten $300 off the mattress they wanted simply by walking around the desired mattress for awhile, chin in hand, saying nothing.
Thoughtful silence is a kind of probe that can work miracles, especially in flea markets and antique stores. The key is to show genuine interest. Don't point out all the problems with the merchandise (i.e., it looks damaged, it's too big, etc.) hoping the seller will see it as less valuable. Sellers, like most negotiators, would prefer a positive interaction with someone likeable who respects their business and merchandise. Complimenting the piece, and the seller's taste or selection, helps a seller invest in you as a customer and try to find a way to get you to buy that piece.
Tips when asking -- or probing -- for a quick and simple bargain:
By Thomas Wood
What if you find yourself in a negotiation you're not prepared for?
At one of our workshops recently, a petroleum landman, who negotiates mineral and land rights, asked this question. Earlier that week he had received a phone call from a corporate executive with whom he eventually hoped to negotiate land leases.
He had begun his research, and knew some things about the land value, the corporate owner, and the executive. But when this executive called him out of the blue and started shooting out ideas, making offers, and using terms he didn't understand, the landman stumbled. He said that by the end of the call he had a sour taste in his mouth. The class came up with 5 powerful steps to turn lemon into lemonade.
Our client had found himself, unprepared, in the middle of a negotiation that he hadn't meant to start yet. He didn't know whether it was more important to try to capitalize on the moment, the enthusiasm, and the momentum, or whether to stall. He also wondered if the executive had purposely tried to catch him unprepared in order to gain an advantage.
What would a master negotiator do?
There are certainly times and places for informal, impromptu bargaining. Much negotiation is accomplished at cocktail parties or business meals that are ostensibly social occasions, and in all bargaining learning to improvise is a key part of your skill-set as a negotiator.
But improvised negotiations are an oxymoron, because they are the purposeful result of much planning. Improvised negotiations are for negotiators whose interests, positions, goals, and arguments are so familiar to them that they can talk about them spontaneously. In web designer blog "A List Apart" awhile ago, we ran across "Improvising in the Boardroom," which describes the advantages of improvising a presentation to a client if you really know your subject. "What you really bring to bear in the moment is not a rehearsed plan, but the sum total of your cumulative knowledge and experience to that point."
So when you find yourself in a negotiation or an exchange you're not prepared for, as in our landman's situation, or even something smaller in scale in the elevator or at a cocktail party, don't try to think on your feet.
Five steps you should take:
1) Stay calm. Thinking is short-circuited by anxiety. Deep breathing convinces your body and brain that it is calm and protects your cognitive ability.
2) Compliment the other party on his or her obvious expertise, and use this conversation as a chance to show respect and begin developing rapport.
3) Ask "dumb" questions (this is when "dumb is smart"). Say "clearly, you know a lot about this -- explain x to me." Change the nature of the phone call from a bargaining session to an information exchange, and take notes on answers that are useful to your process. Let them know you're taking notes, and repeat things back to them to slow the process down.
4) Buy yourself time. After a brief exchange that provides you information and builds rapport, get off the phone. Say "look, it's really great talking to you, you have some great ideas and I'm sure I'm going to learn a lot from you. I was about to head into another meeting when you called -- can I call you back?" Then do not pass go, do not collect $200, but go directly to your other meeting with yourself -- where you get back to preparing for the negotiation.
5) Prepare. Even if you have only five minutes, prepare the essentials. Write down what you know about your and the other party's interests, likely opening offers and bottom lines, BATNAs and valuable concessions. Writing down the essentials forces you to think through your position and whether you are ready to bargain.
By Marianne Eby
There are many places in the world where consumers haggle and would never pay asking price – like the souks of Marrakech and the Beijing Silk Street Market. But nowadays even the US retail stores are fertile haggling territory. Know how to extend your holiday haggling into the January 2014 retail sales bonanza.
Haggling is a cousin to serious negotiations. Haggling is the back and forth that is used to get a quick deal from someone you aren't likely to deal with again, like in the souks and flea markets. A 2009 Consumer Reports survey found that only 28% of Americans say they haggle often. But by 2011, talk of negotiating price tags at retail stores became a common sport of savvy consumers who read Kiplinger advice columns. And now it’s so common that one click on wikihow teaches us how to do it.
As reported in the New York Times, what’s more interesting in this last holiday season is that retailers are both training their floor sales managers to haggle, and inviting the public to do so. This may be an attempt to turn the tide from consumers who use brick and mortar stores for looking, only to return home and search the Web for the best price on the same item. The retail stores are fighting back. One has trained its managers not only to meet competitors’ prices, but given them authority to beat them. And they’re not just focused on price, but are creative in offering you add ons (that may or may not meet your needs).
As consumers, our job is to answer this call to action. You don’t need to be someone who negotiates deals at your day job; you just need to follow a few simple guidelines -- the fundamentals all master negotiators hone:
Want more advice? Here's 10 Tricks for Haggling Over Price at Any Store.
One more reason to haggle in this January's retail sales?
Negotiation takes practice. The more you practice, the better you become at building rapport, asking for what you want, seeing possibilities, asking questions, and leveraging your willingness to walk away. The more you do it, the better negotiator you will become.
Have fun haggling in and out of your vacation paradise!
By Leslie Mulligan
By the time you are 90, my dad tells me, you are finally ready to listen, even if your hearing isn’t as good as it used to be. But that’s ok, because listening isn’t about hearing, it‘s about understanding. Negotiating in the workplace, however, requires us to have this skill well before we retire. The good news – better listening can be learned.
Recently, my 90-year old father asked me to buy Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People for my 19 year-old nephew on his birthday. Now, as gifts go, my nephew was probably not overly excited, but I understand that my dad wanted to convey some important life lessons to his millennial grandson. I was happy to oblige, because that book holds pearls of wisdom that I often emphasize when I teach our Watershed negotiation curriculum, not the least of which is how well we listen to each other to understand, versus simply listening to respond.
Listening is a critical skill for negotiating at work for 2 reasons: Comprehension and Concession.
#1. Listening = Comprehension
If you don’t know why your colleague wants what they want, you can’t effectively solve the problem. Instead, you find yourself in a time consuming and dysfunctional trail of mutual positioning. Listening opens the door to real understanding of your colleagues’ needs.
Real understanding does not mean sympathy (feeling sorry for someone) or giving in because of some sympathy you may feel. Real understanding results from what Covey calls “empathic listening” -- listening that “gets inside another person's frame of reference. You look out through it, you see the world the way they see the world, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they feel.” Yet this is not how most of us listen!
Example: For the last few weeks, one of the two supervisors you manage has been arriving 5 to 10 minutes late to your weekly morning meeting with them and their direct reports. You prepare to talk to him armed with reasons why this is unacceptable (disruptive, team morale, productivity). The conversation is not likely to go well because you are preparing to position yourself - not to understand.
If you instead engage in empathic listening – state the problem and how it feels to you, and ask what’s going on -- you might discover that this supervisor has purchased his first house further out from work, and has been struggling to figure out an effective commuting pattern. Now you can discuss solutions that consider the problem from both points of view:
#2. Listening = Concession
One of the greatest needs people have is to be heard. Sometimes no movement can happen until people feel heard. Authentic listening will always be perceived as goodwill – a concession, which often results in a concession back to you, a get to your give. At a minimum, your colleague will show some form of appreciation. In addition, without listening, we can easily give away unnecessary concessions, or reject something that ultimately benefits us.
Example: Your boss asks you to finish a project 1 month earlier than planned. You are ready to argue that this is not fair to you and your team after all the work and successes you’ve achieved. If you instead listen to understand rather than jump to respond, you would discover that finishing early means that your project will be on the upcoming quarterly Senior Management Staff Meeting agenda, giving the best chance for you to gain the needed headcount and budget increases the project deserves. And the exposure to your leadership role will help your career. Yet only minutes ago, you were ready to argue against your boss’s request.
Do you consider yourself a “good listener”? Most of us are told at some point (in our personal and professional lives) that we are not listening! Empathic listening is easier said than done – but it is a “learned skill”. You can teach an old dog new tricks.
Use these tips to improve your negotiations with more empathic listening:
Don’t get bored; get curious - sincerely curious
Ask big open-ended questions like
In addition to asking questions, you can also show your curiosity by encouraging your colleague:
Remember: People love to talk, and are known to feel so good afterwards if you let them talk, that they give more than they get; but it won’t help if you don’t listen.
Passion for a position does not require an argument in return
Colleagues get passionate about an idea, especially if it is theirs. They become invested in an effort, an outcome, or even just the hope of avoiding a major problem. And if someone senses resistance, emotions surface and can sabotage agreement or blind you both to a perfectly good solution. This is especially true in the workplace when one’s professional status is at stake.
Be prepared to manage your own emotions – and to help your colleagues manage theirs. Managing emotions doesn't mean squelching them. Instead, BEFORE you oppose a co-worker’s position, acknowledge – with sincerity --
Don’t feel compelled to argue or persuade, or even negotiate, until you have allowed them to speak their piece- and be sure you listen. This may be your opportunity to make listening your only concession!
Make it personal
Even when dealing only with facts and data, getting personal is one of the most valuable ways to ensure you are communicating effectively. Just ask Alan Alda, the renowned TV actor of MASH fame. Alda joined Stony Brook University’s School of Journalism faculty in its Center for Communicating Science to study the challenges scientists face in effective communication. In his new book, If I Understood You, Would I Have This Look On My Face? he reminds us that speaker and listener are persons. In a June interview with Newsweek on his book tour, Alda reinforced this concept:
“If we aren’t concerned with observing or imagining what a person is thinking or feeling when we are trying to communicate with them, then we are leaving them out….. the person doing the speaking needs to pay attention to the audience, whether that’s one person or many.”
Alda notes that scientists who take a more logical, fact based approach to communicating are prizing accuracy over actual understanding. Making the experience personal – empathizing with our listener -- is crucial to ensure that our points will resonate with our audience. Alda’s book speaks mostly to the scientific community – helping them cross the divide between a scientist’s knowledge and the audience’s understanding of that knowledge.
But the general problem of effective communication is bi-directional of course, and nowhere is that more evident than in our current political landscape, where polarization is becoming the norm. Rob Willer, a social psychologist at Stanford University, has been studying political polarization in the U.S. for the last few years and gave a TED talk on the subject. In an interview in the Stanford News, he concludes that politicians “must take the time to really listen to one another, to understand one another’s values and to think creatively about why someone with different political and moral commitments from their own should nonetheless come to agree with them. Empathy and respect will be critical if we are going to sew our country back together.”
Politics aside, Willer’s comments effectively sum up how we all can be more successful in any negotiation – a win-win negotiation results when your proposed solution makes it clear that you see the situation or problem from your counterpart’s viewpoint.
Now back to my dad and my nephew – and that well-meaning, if not much loved, birthday gift. My father and my nephew have different life perspectives and views of the world, but they do listen to each other – for the most part. Having spent decades with my dad, I realize that he is not always the best listener himself. But I know he is genuinely curious about his grandson’s views. That is always the best place to start when you need to negotiate solutions, across conference tables or kitchen tables. And full disclaimer, I did buy a cool pair of sports headphones for my nephew, on my dad’s behalf – to make it a bit more personal!
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