Believe in win-win, mutual gain. Win-win is an attitude, not an outcome.
Identifying Emotions is a First Step to Resolving Difficult Negotiations - Part II
By Marianne Eby
We return to the tense interaction between co-workers, often referred to as internal negotiations. The situation embroiling Lex and Jess was set out last week. Lex decided to make a few concrete changes for the next meeting with Jess. Lex realized that he needed to understand better what he was feeling when Jess takes over and treats Lex as a subordinate rather than an equal team member. And Lex needed to understand more about why Jess does this.
Lex decided meet with Jess on another and less important matter first, and take special note of his own emotional reactions to Jess. To ensure the space and time for this, Lex scheduled that discussion over lunch where he’ll have natural pauses while eating to note how he is feeling about Jess and his approach.
- what he knows about Jess,
- what he sees: facial expressions, gestures, and posture, and
- what he hears: tone of voice and emotional words.
Lex decided to use the low risk setting of lunch and discussion about another account to build rapport and provide Jess some allegiance, in the hopes that Jess will feel comfortable enough to give Lex more insight into his emotions. Les can do this in three ways:
- First, without being placating, Lex can seek Jess’s advice where appropriate to show that he recognizes him as the more experienced team member.
- When Lex disagrees with something Jess has said, Lex will restate Jess’s idea and ask questions about it rather than disagree with it. Questions, or probes, will lead to new insights.
- And third, Lex can suggest how Jess must feel about some things to see if he can learn more about Jess’s emotions. For example, “you must be proud of that success…or nervous about losing that client… or feeling overwhelmed with so many projects," etc. Jess will likely appreciate the empathy, or will correct it, either way building a bond with Lex.
Without revealing too much too soon, Lex could still reveal more about himself. People are naturally inclined to trust you when you reveal your own aspirations and fears. Lex could let Jess know that he is excited about increasingly challenging work now that he has had some definite accomplishments. Lex could also indicate his desire for a strong mentor so that this next stage of his development is fruitful.