Have you ever been excited about something until someone told you that you “MUST” do it? Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so appealing. Maybe a friend insists, “You HAVE to watch this show, it’s amazing.” Instead of being convinced, you now oddly feel like not watching it. Psychologists call that little twinge of resistance, that stubborn urge to do the opposite of what you’re told, reactance. Simply, psychological reactance is a strong reaction we have when we feel someone is threatening our freedom to choose. Put another way, it’s our desire to do exactly the opposite of what we’re being forced to do.
Jack Brehm’s Discovery:
Reactance isn’t just a quirky behavior; it’s a well-studied psychological phenomenon. The theory of psychological reactance was first proposed by psychologist Jack Brehm in 1966. Brehm noticed that when people feel someone is taking away their freedom of choice, they are motivated to regain that freedom. They often resist or doing the opposite of what others demand. In other words, the “forbidden fruit” suddenly becomes more desirable. We’ve all experienced this. Signs that say “KEEP OUT” or “DO NOT TOUCH” often tempt people to do exactly what’s forbidden. This is a classic example of reactance. Our nature makes us dislike feeling controlled.
Teenager’s Tell the Story:
If a command threatens our freedom (like a sudden ban or an aggressive sales pitch), we bristle and resist. This reactance can even make the restricted option more appealing than it was before. Parents of teenagers know this all too well. Forbid your teen from seeing a certain friend, and that friend becomes even more important to them. A classic study by Jack Brehm and Sharon Brehm showed the same effect. In the experiment, they told children they could not play with a particular toy. The result? The boys in the study wanted that forbidden toy more than ever once it was off-limits. The “grass” literally looked greener on the side where they could not play. This is reactance in action, and it highlights a key point. Whenever we feel someone limits our choices without our consent, we tend to rebel to take back control.
Reactance, Persuasion, and Negotiation:
Now, how does this relate to persuasion and negotiation? It turns out reactance is a big reason why certain high-pressure tactics backfire. Imagine a hard-sell car salesperson saying “This deal is only good for the next 5 minutes. You have to sign right now!” This approach triggers an internal refusal and the customer’s reactance kicks in. Every time the salesperson pushes harder, the customer’s instinct is to push back harder in the opposite direction. In negotiations, the same principle applies. If one party feels cornered or pressured into accepting terms, they’re likely to become defensive and resistant.
We’ve all heard the phrase “driving a hard bargain.” But if you drive too hard, the other side might slam the brakes. Reactance is basically our mind’s anti-persuasion reflex: push me and I push back. Not only do we resist when someone forces an idea on us, but we also start to feel annoyed. In fact, research on reactance shows that people often experience hostile or angry feelings toward the source of the pressure. Think of a heated negotiation where one side feels bulldozed. They won’t just reject the proposal; they could begin to actively dislike and distrust the person who’s pushing them. This obviously isn’t good for reaching any agreement.
What’s the Approach?
So, knowing that reactance is basically a persuasion killer, what can we do about it? How can we work around reactance in our persuasion and negotiation efforts? The key is surprisingly straightforward: respect people’s freedom to choose. If you want to convince someone of something, the worst approach is to make them feel they have no choice. Instead, savvy persuaders find ways to give the other person a sense of control. For instance, simply reminding someone that they are free to decide can dramatically reduce reactance. Psychologists have found adding a phrase like “but of course, it’s up to you” makes people less inclined to resist. Those few words give the person a moment to breathe and think, “Okay, I’m still in charge here.”
Acknowledge Autonomy:
Experts note that when you acknowledge someone’s autonomy (saying “This is your call, not mine”) it decreases the unconscious resistance. People become more open to the suggestion. Sales research shows that telling a customer “It’s completely OK if you say no” speeds up responses and builds trust. The person no longer feels a need to rebel just to prove their independence. Counterintuitive as it sounds, giving someone permission to say “no” makes them less likely to do so.
Offer Choices:
Another way to sidestep reactance is to offer choices instead of ultimatums. This technique is so simple but so effective. Think about dealing with a strong-willed toddler (or even a stubborn colleague!). If you say to a toddler, “Put your coat on now!” you might get a tantrum. If you ask, “Do you want to wear the red or blue coat?” the child happily puts on a coat. It’s because they chose it. You’ve achieved your goal (the kid wears a coat) without triggering defiance. Psychologists describe this strategy. Rather than framing a decision as a yes-or-no demand, frame it as a choice between acceptable options. “Do you want the red coat or the blue coat?” is much more effective than “Wear your coat, please.” The child feels in control, and you achieve the outcome (wearing a coat) with far less drama.
The same idea works with adults. In a negotiation, avoid saying, “Here’s my final offer, take it or leave it.” Rather, present two or three different proposals that would all work for you. By letting the other person pick among your options, you’re giving them a sense of ownership in the decision. They’re more likely to choose one, rather than rejecting the single option they feel someone is shoving at them.
Ultimately, working around psychological reactance means avoiding a head-on collision with someone’s need for freedom. Persuasion is most effective when it doesn’t feel like coercion. If people feel like they’re still in the driver’s seat, they are less likely to hit the brakes. Counseling research backs this approach. Therapists using techniques like motivational interviewing have long understood direct confrontation breeds more resistance. Whereas a respectful, choice-oriented conversation makes clients more willing to change. In other words, when we treat people as the autonomous decision-makers they are, they don’t have to rebel.
It’s Natural!
Psychological reactance is a natural human response. It’s the mind’s way of shouting, “You’re not the boss of me”! If you’re trying to persuade or negotiate, you don’t want to be on the receiving end of that shout. The good news is that by understanding reactance, you can adapt your approach. Give options, not orders. Suggest, don’t shove. Make it clear that the final decision lies with them. By doing so, you’ll find people are far more open to hearing you out. They might even come around to your idea all on their own, thinking it was their choice. That’s a win-win outcome for both sides. In the end, persuasion and negotiation aren’t about winning by force. It’s about guiding someone to want to agree with you. And nothing opens the mind quite like the feeling of freedom.
When someone feels in control and unpressured, that knee-jerk reactance fades away, and real communication can begin.