IIn Watershed’s, some of our favorite examples of effective kid negotiation strategies come from, well, kids! These anecdotes always get a laugh of recognition because even our most experienced negotiators know they can be outmaneuvered by a determined 4-year-old.
There are countless parenting blogs and books devoted to negotiating with your kids, or perhaps more accurately, avoiding negotiation with your kids. These resources are all designed to help you handle the little wizards without losing your shirt. For instance, one blog, “Like a Dad,” reviews a few common kid tactics as a way of helping parents recognize and prepare for them.
But as negotiators, we need to ask: what powerful kid negotiation strategies can we learn from them?
Kids with caring parents do have certain advantages over adult negotiators. They generally won’t damage their reputation if they are unprofessional, whiny, or make outrageous demands. However, their intuitive approaches contain gems. Here are five effective kid negotiation strategies we should adopt, followed by a few we should leave out. For more on enhancing your engagement, check out our insights on how to listen loudly.
Top Five Kid Negotiation Strategies to Adopt:
1. Think Big: The MDO Mindset
When my son was two, he heard the crinkling of a candy wrapper in my pocket. He immediately asked, “Candy?” I replied, “Oh, would you like one?” His confident answer: “Two.”
Kids inherently ask for what they truly want, not just for what they think you’ll agree to. In fact, they often have a good sense that you might not agree initially. They have no compunction about starting with their Most Desired Outcome (MDO). If they want three cookies, they’ll boldly ask for five, then perhaps engage in the “incremental number drop.” Aiming high is a key to beginning negotiations that can produce a truly satisfying outcome.
2. Don’t Take “No” for an Answer (Initially)
When kids hear “no,” they often get motivated, not discouraged. For many children, “no,” or “time’s up” isn’t the end of the discussion; it’s a signal to begin negotiating.
You, too, should recognize an initial “no” not as a dead end, but as a sign you and your partner might not understand each other yet. It’s an invitation to ask more questions and delve deeper.
3. Be Genuinely Curious: The Power of “Why?”
Kids’ love for asking “why?” isn’t just a tactic to drive you crazy; it stems from genuine curiosity. They keep asking questions, often open-ended ones, with the same enthusiasm as their very first inquiry. Kids seem to have infinite energy for questioning and testing the limits parents establish.
I once told my son he couldn’t do something dangerous that his sister had just done. After a little back-and-forth, I offered the standard stumper: “If your sister jumped off a cliff, would you?” His answer, without missing a beat: “How high is the cliff?” And then, “Could you slide down it?” His curiosity sought understanding and alternatives.
4. Be Creative: Expand the Possibilities
My son’s question about the cliff was so creative I almost had to hand it to him—perhaps I even made a concession! Creativity consistently generates more: more possibilities, more concession ideas, more value, and more goodwill.
If the other side sees that you are thinking creatively about how to satisfy their real interests, you are more likely to get a concession and develop a good relationship. So, nurture your childlike creativity. Research suggests that up to age 5, we use about 85% of our creative power, but by the age of 12, our creative output has shrunk to about 2% of our potential.
5. Know Your Stakeholders (Or, Play One Parent Off Another Wisely)
Kids intuitively know how to manage ALL the stakeholders. They discern which parent is more likely to say yes to certain things and will approach that parent first. They then parlay any positive response into something that might persuade the second parent.
Or, if both parents say no, kids will often try a grandparent (the ultimate stakeholders!) or an aunt or uncle if they can, someone who will make an emotional, rather than a purely rational, decision. “Okay, you can take your bath after the movie instead.”
In business deals, you too need to try to find the person most likely to benefit from your proposal and start there. All of this requires thorough knowledge of the other side and their real interests. What we may call manipulative in kids is often just skilled navigation of the difference between positions and interests. For example: “I know my TV time is up but this show is about nature, Dad, isn’t it good for me to learn this?”
Childish Negotiation Tactics to Avoid:
While we can learn a lot from kid negotiation strategies, some tactics are best left in the playroom.
1. Pretending Not to Hear or Understand
This is the ignoring tactic my kids use almost daily. It’s an avoidance tactic, not a negotiating one, and it will not help you get what you want in a professional setting. If you feel that impulse, recognize what it probably is: a need for clarification, for more time, or for control of the timing in the negotiation process. Address that need directly.
2. Throwing Tantrums or Crying
Though there are arguments for occasionally using strategic emotional displays, throwing tantrums is generally part of a competitive, rather than a collaborative, negotiation strategy. In most business contexts, such behavior alienates and ultimately loses opportunities. Kids don’t have to worry (too much) about what they’ll lose from a tantrum because the relationship with their caregivers is (hopefully) guaranteed. This is rarely the case in business.
3. Pretending to Be Sick (Or Other Sympathy Ploys)
This is just one of many ways kids have of playing on parents’ sympathies and concerns. It’s not likely to be useful for a negotiator who wants to make more than one deal or build long-term trust. While it might work within your office to gain your boss’s sympathy and concern on a rare occasion, it’s not a sustainable or respected tactic otherwise.
Final Thoughts: A Parent’s Timeless Wisdom
When I first became a parent, my mother shared a final lesson that deeply resonates with effective negotiation: “Thomas, as a parent your goal is to talk to your kids so they will listen. And listen to your kids so they will talk.”
This principle is golden in negotiation too. By understanding these kid negotiation strategies (both the effective and the immature), we can become more insightful, creative, and ultimately, more successful negotiators.
What kid-inspired tactics have you found surprisingly effective in your professional life? Share your experiences in the comments below! And if you’re looking to further hone your skills, visit Watershed’s learning center.